What your Coffee Says About You

Coffee is the life blood of many companies and it’s at the core of some of the most successful business operations around the world. With the UK drinking 70 million cups per day, and an industry worth over £730 million a year, how much can we really tell about someone from their daily choice of caffeine? After many productive hours spent analyzing consumer coffee habits, we have come to the following conclusions:

Cappuccino 

Ah, the cappuccino. It sounds so good on paper, doesn't it? Espresso, hot milk and plenty of froth, with an optional dusting of chocolate on top. But in most coffee chains a cappuccino means a sickly chocolate crust, burnt milk and bitter dregs of espresso. The cappuccino drinker is the victim of habit and apathy; it’s a safe bet for drinkers unwilling to venture too far from their comfort zone. They have tried the smooth velvety texture of the flat white but are too stubborn to change their ways and stick to being dragged into daily hell by a scorched, bitter cappuccino. 

Instant coffee

The “builders coffee” is getting difficult to find amongst a growing population of retro-indie-hipster coffee shops which seem to be popping up across the UK. But when a standard coffee costs £2.50 and involves someone misspelling your name on a paper cup, there’s a lot to be said about something that can be prepared in two seconds for about 5p. A jar of Nescafe and the kettle is the drink of choice for the deadline-surfer who relies on this essential caffeine rush to get them through their gruelling work day. 

Double espresso

The choice of the “Steve Jobs” turtle neck coffee drinker who prefers the actual ritual of coffee shop buying rather than the experience and enjoyment of a good mug of coffee. These people are usually pressed for time but not for options, so they opt the for the fastest most macho drink on the menu and then make themselves scarce.

Skinny latte

The diet soda of the hot beverage world, the skinny latte is the default choice of the slightly harassed career woman. It offers the comfort of warm milk and a gentle caffeine kick without the added calories. But hold on – scientists are now suggesting that whole milk is actually healthier than skimmed. The word “skinny” couldn’t possibly be a lie – could it?

Regular latte

The drink of choice for the well dressed business man who will never climb above the dizzy heights of middle management. He once dabbled in the chai version and felt bit silly afterwards, but he does enjoy the odd chocolate brownie. 

Soya flat white

The sign of a vegan, lactose-intolerant, gluten-dodging, orthorexic control freak. These coffee drinkers want you to know that they are the epitome of health, are strangely vocal with their order and just in case you didn’t hear… they will repeat it again very slowly. 

Almond milk flat white

As above, but also comes with a large social following, a line of yoga-wear and a bestselling vegan health food book. These people invariably drink their coffee cold due to the necessity of photographing it from every conceivable angle before hashtagging the shit out of it – before finally drinking it. #morningcoffee #coffeefix #almondmilkcappawappacino #vegan #healthycoffee #yougetthepicture... 

Fruit frappuccino

If you‘re ten-years old, fine. If you’re any older, please examine your priorities in life.

Single drip-filtered

Coffee taken to the heights of purity… offset by the fact that it cost £3.95 for a one thimblefull, takes years to “craft” and comes served with an east London attitude.

Decaff

You need to get out more.

Short cappuccino

For the intelligent. Clever people order “short” because it costs less and is more than sufficient - who needs a bloody gallon of “venti” coffee?

As the quirky parts of every major city get overhauled by edgy indie coffee houses staffed by hipsters, it’s getting increasingly difficult to get a "standard" cup of coffee. With so many choices on the menu it leaves the everyday coffee drinker with a conundrum that should be illegal to impose at that time of the morning. 

So, what is your coffee of choice?